i find that we are difficult
in the way the sound of rain
makes me forget
and all at once the ease of
forgetting transcends the path
that leads east of your body
west of my soul
my words are not meant to be
understood
for when i am most alive
it is because i feel you looking
at the sky, mapping immensity
while i eat it with tenderness
and return home

you rise with the sun, your face a pale winter day. i breathe beneath the sheets like a secret brewing, waiting to be told. the light is our forgotten child, a vulnerable love we know how to create only in the dark. maybe today we will learn how to move like our neighbours. maybe today i will find the ache your skin hides, and you will find me a hiding place. but our curtains are parted too soon, and the first light shrinks our bodies because it reeks of truth. yesterday returns, and the room begins to spin. your fingers dig deep into the base of your neck, but the answers are not in your skin. you fix your eyes on an inanimate lamp because it is not me. it doesn’t take as much as it gives. i stare at the back of your head, willing you to return to the shadows for one last dance. instead you push open the windows, inhaling the light we have forgotten how to love. but then a rush of wind cuts through the room, the cold slices your fingertips and it is a familiar ache. so you slide your chilly fingers between mine and wait for tomorrow’s light and the cycle goes on while my head spins and i am unable to return to myself.

I am thinking of walking into a storm

You fall into my belly
and touch becomes a depth
I drown in

I was a girl with thoughts
of belonging to
the forests and seas

You blow a single breath
into my hungry mouth
I consume like a beast
freed from caged terror

I scream. You cover me
with blue soil,
your tears form an ocean
that hides us from
the maddening eyes
I sprout,
a deep blue-black
The murkiness begins
its silent kill

You linger, depart
Linger, depart
My body needs
no introduction,
my blood remains
the colour I didn’t choose

I will always think of walking into the storm

your name is sam and we were strangers till we met in the deep oceans of our minds. you like ice cream because it reminds you that the day can turn ice into sweetness. i like the colour you are eating. in the night my thoughts crawl slowly ahead of yours, entering a world where time is nothing and thoughts become space. we never skydive in tandem. you stare into the vast, starless night sky and in my mind i tell you that my thoughts are what paints it black. and in the comfort of a darkness they do not understand i begin to peel you off my skin.

i told the air that after you i’d never feel
as if i had the power to control what rushes through blood

it is too tiring it is too painful and if i am able to return to myself the figure that will rest in this pitted shell will be one that i can hardly recognise come home come home to me i will take care of you even when i am unable to look at myself when the corridors of your heart are dark i will wrap what light i have left around you and lie beside your pounding chest i am awake and only awake because you have walked into my mind so unapologetically in all your being and i was ready for it but only in dreams i wish this is what i am allowed to feel about this you i had come alive the way first light hits the deepest trenches but is this what life and light constitutes i have lost my way in the bloody labyrinth that i call love there must be a hundred different kinds and not all of them right

my body is holding a monstrous pain it cannot bear i am spilling spilling in all directions and the words that will explain this a fire that burns the tip of my tongue if i could write a book it would be all about you the pages shaped by the face i have painted repainted since that day           the eyes that listened           suddenly the awakening of the wretched beast i would draw myself sliced open at the head bulging at the heart a portrait of disgust is what they would call it i would title the book this which i cannot explain and hope i never have to today i tried to steal a moment of your life i wondered about parallels and intersections i imagined a world where i would know these like i know your name you are a ghost but a palpable ghost that brushes against my every thought and i       a foolish drunk controlling a madness i must reject